3 More Tips for Engaging in Constructive Feedback
Last week, I offered three tips for engaging in constructive feedback—(a) let empathy be your guide, (b) rely on data/facts to construct your position, and (c) focus energy and attention on the business and the customer. This week, I propose three additional tips that have helped me through the years. We’re going to keep talking about this subject in future muses as both giving and receiving constructive feedback is one of the most important workplace skills. Period.
Keep it out of email! As I discuss in my book, Balancing Act, email is a wonderful tool for team updates and transmitting information ubiquitously across an organization, but when it comes to any topic that has the potential to become emotionally charged, email is the worst. Why? Because email is a one-way communication tool. It feels great to pour yourself into a well-crafted email, filled with (self)righteous bullet points to support your position. But in reality, this kind of message is a ticking time bomb that’s just waiting to go off. The recipient is likely to feel ambushed or painted into a corner. They may immediately lash out with an incendiary response, triggering an unnecessary interpersonal conflict. Alternatively, they may stew on it for days or weeks, allowing the issue to fester into a future confrontation that’s either direct, or in the worst cast, passive aggressive. The latter outcome is the “worst case” because it has the most potential to become infectious and toxic to team trust, cohesion, and culture.
Avoid “whataboutism” and finger pointing. “But what about the time when…” or “I remember when you did…” As I mentioned last week, when you point a finger at someone else, three more are pointed back at you. To be clear about this metaphor, when you engage in blame, there is the very distinct possibility that you’re the one who’s at fault. I know it can be temporarily satisfying to assign blame to someone else, but engaging in blaming and shaming does more to help you feel better than it does to solve the challenge at hand. Everyone likes to “win,” but at what cost? In many cases, the best course of action is to avoid the blame game and focus on the solution. You may be asking: “But we need to hold people accountable!” I wholeheartedly agree, but this is why organizational measurement and transparency is so important to support and drive accountability. Instead of using the emotional tools of blame and finger pointing, use data and key performance indicators to show the objective source of the challenge and move forward from there. The short-term high of a “gotcha” moment isn’t worth the long-term damage whataboutisms, and finger pointing do to an organization’s culture.
Avoid escalation to the boss. I’ve seen it play out over and over again. Team member X feels wronged, goes to the boss to tattle, and the manager is dragged into, and is unduly influenced by one side of the issue, leading to the perception (or reality) that they’re playing favorites. A manager’s job is to teach and coach their team members with equity. One of the most damaging things that can affect team culture is when the boss takes sides and plays favorites. As a high-functioning working adult, it’s your responsibility to do your best to work through interpersonal challenges directly with your colleagues. Yes, it’s an important aspect of managerial responsibility to mediate team challenges, but when this becomes the norm rather than the exception, team dynamics can devolve into toxicity rapidly. You can do your part to avoid this by not relying on the boss to act like a schoolyard referee.
Thanks for listening. Now I’m off to see the Iowa Hawkeyes take on the Wisconsin Badgers at Kinnick Stadium. Go Hawks!
