Navigating the Feelings of Failure
“There are no failures in life, only learning opportunities.” “It’s only a failure if you don’t learn from it.”
Phrases like this are designed to promote a lifelong learning mindset, but it can be incredibly difficult to separate the feelings of failure after something goes wrong from the need to learn from a failure, grow, and move on. I know from personal experience that I can get really stuck when I haven’t lived up to expectations, have failed to deliver on a commitment, or have had a project go completely sideways. It’s almost always these feelings of being a failure that lead me to spin unconstructively.
Intellectually, I am keenly aware that I should objectively evaluate what went wrong through an after-action review (AAR), engage in a learning activity, communicate why what I’ve learned will produce different results in the future, and implement a change to my standard work (i.e., the current set of best practices) to reduce the likelihood of recurrence. Reality can be quite different. It’s easy to allow feelings of inadequacy to cloud my judgment. It’s easy to wallow in the valley of despair. It’s easy to throw a pity-party and remain “stuck.” A vicious cycle can ensue in which being “stuck” leads to more misses and feelings that you just can’t do anything right.
So after a failure has occurred, here are a few suggestions to navigate through feelings of failure, and to help get you and your team “unstuck” more quickly.
First, allow yourself and your team to feel and grieve. It’s likely that there was significant emotional capital wrapped up in the project that went awry, so imagining that the pain of failure doesn’t exist or is easily washed away with a few encouraging words is a false premise. The facts are that everyone processes change and failure differently and at varying speeds. This first step is quite the balancing act—allowing too little time to feel will simply bottle up emotions that will evidence themselves in unproductive ways in the future. Dwelling too much on a failure is a direct path to remaining stuck.
Second, listen and collaborate. I’ve found this is best done with an after-action review (AAR). Here, we ask what went wrong and ask our ‘five whys’ to identify the root cause of the failure. It’s important to gather opinions and feedback from all stakeholders. Excluding voices from this discussion will likely lead to poor results and may lead to a repeat of the issue at hand.
Third, learn. Competency, process, and performance gaps are a key output of the AAR. Identify the skills, knowledge, attitudes, and/or abilities that were missing and put experiential educational opportunities in place to fill those gaps. These learning opportunities should be directly correlated with what’s needed to get the project right next time. Asking the same team with the same competencies to produce a different result is another false premise.
Fourth, silence the naysayers and critics. One of the most difficult times in my career was when I realized there were colleagues who wanted me or my team to fail. Self-interest, misaligned incentives, and/or internal competition for resources are the most likely root cause of this behavior. Knowing that not everyone has your back can actually be quite freeing. This knowledge provides an extra layer of “skin” to protect against the barbs that come your way and builds the healthy skepticism that’s necessary to prevent your critics from getting inside your head. Speaking of “inside your head,” remember that your most vocal, damaging critic might be YOU! That’s right, we all live with an unproductive peanut gallery that’s continually lobbing insults, exacerbating our feelings of failure, and keeping us “stuck.”
Fifth, coach. As a leader, one of your top priorities is to be a coach to every member of your team—not just the people you like or get along with. As a coach, let compassion be your guide. Remember that compassion = empathy + a willingness to help + the ability to remain objective. Great coaches know when their team members are stuck and make it a top priority to help them break free from fear, uncertainty, and doubt. Oh, and this is why everyone should identify one or more mentors throughout their life. If you’re out front, naked and alone after a failure, connect with a mentor to regain perspective and work through feelings of failure.
Finally, move forward. Make progress. Moving forward doesn’t mean adding even more to your plate or taking on bigger assignments. Sometimes moving forward means taking on less, notching some smaller wins to build confidence, and then growing from there. I’ll leave you with the powerful truism that my mentor, Carl Schweser, would periodically tell me: “Andy, if you’re not moving forward, you’re standing still.”
You’re not a robot. Shoving your feelings into a shoebox is unproductive at best. To learn from failure, we must first learn how to move through the feelings of failure and inadequacy that accompany any setback.
