It Can Always Be Worse
People love to talk and it seems we like to complain even more. We complain about our jobs, bosses, co-workers, homes, health, elected officials, air travel, customer service, sports teams, schools—you name it, we like to complain about it. To be clear, we all complain. I complain. According to author Will Bowen, we complain between 15 and 30 times a day…
A quick internet search of “why do we complain so much?” yields a plethora of articles on the subject. Inc. Magazine, Psychology Today, Harvard Business Review, and many other outlets feature content on everything from the science of complaining to the damage excess complaining can do to relationships and your career. Mentors in my life would often tell me: “Nobody likes a complainer,” and I’m sure you can close your eyes and think back to a former or current colleague who’s poisoned the team with their incessant complaining about every gory detail of their existence.
I particularly like a piece written by Steven Parton on Psych Pedia—The Science of Happiness: Why Complaining is Literally Killing You. Parton makes several key points that bear highlighting here. First, consistent complaining is rewiring the brain to facilitate more complaining in the future. He states: “Your thoughts reshape your brain, and thus are changing a physical construct of reality.” This is because brain synapses that fire frequently become more strongly bonded together. Negative thinking begets more negative thinking.
To make matters worse, if we surround ourselves with other negative thinkers, our brains are built to instinctually mimic their behavior—reinforcing a negative disposition. Finally, all of this negativity leads to more production of the stress hormone cortisol. According to Psychology Today, high levels of cortisol interferes with learning, memory, immune function, bone density, and can increase the likelihood of challenges such as depression, high blood pressure, heart disease, etc. Ugh…
So if excess complaining damages relationships, careers, and your physical well-being, how do we reduce the likelihood that we complain in the future?
Surround yourself with more positive people. This is something my mentors would periodically tell me, but there’s science to back this up since our brains are designed to mimic the emotions and behaviors of others. If you feel trapped in your current circumstances, make a change!
Think positive thoughts. Since the brain gives preference to repeat traffic, you can rewire your brain over time from a negative disposition to a more positive view. Just like exercising physically to improve body health, meditation and embracing positive thought can exercise the brain. More positive thought begets more positive thought.
Build your emotional intelligence toolkit. Emotional intelligence is a higher order set of human skills that are essential for career and relationship success. Sub-skills like situational awareness, self-regulation, self-reflection, self-awareness, communication, change management, and empathy are just a few of the skills all humans in today’s workforce should be honing daily. If I had to pick the skills from this list that are the most important to reducing the amount of complaining I do, they’d be self-awareness and self-reflection.
Volunteer. A great way to expand your horizons, build empathy, and gain perspective about how others live is to give your time and talents to organizations that serve the underserved and challenged.
Keep learning and growing. Like volunteering, personal growth through learning and education—no matter the age—expands your world view and allows you to see multiple sides of an argument. When I find myself starting to wallow the mud of complaint, I can usually turn things around by asking: “What’s the lesson here? What can I learn from this?”
Personally, a tool I use to recenter if I find myself complaining too much is to remind myself that it can always be worse. Whatever challenge I’m facing, there’s always someone who’s facing a more difficult challenge. Being thankful for what I have mutes the desire to complain about what I don’t. I don’t like to use absolutes, but here it’s appropriate. It can always be worse.
