Empathy and Compassion Simplified

Today, we’ll be musing about two things. First, I’d like to help simplify the concepts of empathy and compassion. The second goal of this muse is to discuss the state of our society, but more on that later.

The other night, my wife Linda and I were talking about an issue that we don’t necessarily fully agree on. My mind immediately went to where the reptilian male brain typically goes, which is to ask, “how does this affect me, and how can I get her to see things my way?”

I paused for a moment and thought, “I wonder how she’s feeling about this issue?”

Put as simply as possible, this is empathy—the willingness and ability to take oneself out of their own view of a situation and to ask how the other party feels about it. So if you’re looking for a quick tip on how to improve your empathy skills, use this simple question: “I wonder how ___ feels about x?” Then allow your mind to explore how ___ (a colleague, spouse, friend, or associate) might be feeling about a challenge or situation before barreling ahead with your way of approaching the issue.

This trick has worked well for me by forcing me to briefly interrupt my own self-talk and listen to other perspectives. I define self-talk as the voices in my own head that drown out the rich tapestry of verbal and non-verbal communication that’s happening around me.

Note that the ability to “see” how another human can feel differently about an issue than you is an essential foundation to a strong emotional intelligence toolkit. Oh, and don’t simply assume how the other person feels—that’s a formula for disaster. Unconscious bias will creep in and lead you astray nearly every time. Work to validate or reject your assumptions through constructive dialogue.

Now, how about the higher order skill of compassion? In my previous musings, I’ve written about the difference between sympathy, empathy, and compassion. I recommend that you go back and take a look at that muse for more detail about these concepts. To continue with our theme of simplification, compassion equals empathy plus the willingness and ability to do something about a challenge or situation and the ability to detach.

Therefore, a compassionate response is one where we ask: “I wonder how ___ feels about x, and what can/should I do to help while maintaining objectivity?”

So there you have it. Empathy and compassion simplified.

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To conclude today’s muse, I must talk about the violence we’ve experienced in this country just over the last few days: Half Moon Bay, Des Moines, Yakima, and Monterey Park. My god, man! What is going on? We MUST stop the madness. I’m not suggesting that we can develop some kind of utopian society where everyone lives in harmony—all I’m asking is that we meet some pretty basic social norms like NOT KILLING EACH OTHER! 

How can we improve? Yes, we have too many guns and societal messages that promote violence as a means of resolving conflict. The long-term solution, however, is to invest in education, learning, mental & physical health, and personal growth. Cooperation, kindness, and compassion are critical skills to develop in our citizens. Let’s focus on growing the human skill of our populace—that will take away the oxygen from messages that promote violence as the answer.

Thanks for listening.