‘I Get To’ v. ‘I Have To’

Are you feeling disengaged or ‘stuck’ at work? Does it feel like you’re trudging through mud and that the light in your eyes has dimmed? From my own personal experience, it can be very difficult to pinpoint the root cause of these feelings and it’s even harder to break through to an improved state of well-being and engagement.

Today, I’d like to share a tip that’s worked well for me when I find myself feeling negative, harried, and strained.

In my personal journey to grow the skill of self awareness, I’ve learned to listen to the language I’m using to describe the activities I’m engaged in when I’m speaking to myself and to others. And yes, we all talk to ourselves… This may seem odd to some because we spend most of our time listening to others, critiquing their use of language, and discerning their outlook and disposition. Since I’ve started to listen with intent to the words that are coming out of my own mouth, I’m much more aware of my own feelings and how I’m carrying myself.

I Get to vs. I Have To Mindset Shift

It turns out that there’s a strong positive correlation between feelings of disengagement and the use of the phrase: “I have to ___.” In contrast, when I find myself saying: “I get to ___,” my mental disposition tends to be much lighter, more positive, and forward leaning. So when you’re feeling stuck or disengaged, start listening to yourself. Are you framing your daily activities negatively (I have to ___)? If so, pay close attention to the activities you’re framing in this way and make a list of the things you feel like you have to do.

After some time has passed, look at the accumulated list and think carefully about each item. Is item x really something you don’t like to do or are there other factors, or an unconscious bias, that pollutes your outlook? Maybe it’s an inefficient process that’s to blame. Use the five whys exercise to drill into the root cause. Build a process map to see if there’s a way to continuously improve how the work is done. Use deep self reflection to see if there’s bias lurking under the surface. How many “I have to’s” turned into “I get to’s” once unnecessary waste has been identified and removed from your workflow?

Next, compare each item in your list to your personal purpose. It’s likely that the things you feel you have to do don’t align with your purpose or your vision. If you’re reading this and haven’t connected with your personal purpose and/or don’t have a well-defined vision for your future, download my Personal Planning Guidebook to begin the exploration process.

The goal is to increase the ratio of “I get to’s” to “I have to’s” over time. In my own personal case, there are many activities I’ve engaged in that, after deeper reflection, I actually like doing and they align with my purpose. A simple exercise of bringing new perspective into working memory and reminding myself of the privilege I have to help a colleague, provide constructive feedback, or attend a community event does the trick. Here, I literally mutter under my breath: “Andy, don’t be negative - you actually like x, y, or z. You have the privilege of doing this work.”

Remember, no one likes a complainer and it’s fantastical to think that there’s a job out there where “I get to“/”I have to” ratio approaches infinity. Every role or career path contains a subset of tasks that we don’t like to engage in.

Through this exploration process, you may find that it’s not possible to increase the “I get to”/”I have to” ratio to an acceptable level in your current role. When this occurs, it’s likely that a job and/or career change are in order. Throughout my career, I’ve seen this disconnect many times where a role or career does not align with the individual’s purpose. When this happens, no one is happy. The manager is at wits end, productivity suffers, team culture is damaged, and the misaligned employee is miserable. If more individuals engaged in improving self awareness and aligning personal purpose with their work, we would have healthier teams, more engaged employees, improved employee retention, happier customers, and more productive/profitable businesses.

Developing the self awareness to self identify job fit is something we should encourage. Real maturity is displayed when an individual has the courage to self-select out of a role and into something that’s a better fit. The alternate path of active disengagement, cultural damage, and the ultimate difficult conversation that leads to an exit doesn’t help anyone and just leads to the unnecessary waste of time, resources, emotion, and team cohesion. Just as no one likes a complainer, no one likes a colleague who “hangs on” and waits for the decision to be made for them—especially when misalignment is crystal clear.

Everything begins with purpose. Use your personal purpose as your guide. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I get to clean up a few emails—which is the business corollary of doing the laundry.