Self Love Comes First

On The Balancing Act Podcast, I routinely ask my guests for the advice they would give our listeners on how to optimize the balancing act between technical skill and human (a.k.a. soft) skill in the world of work. The answers to this question vary widely, but most answers share a common thread of building the skills of communication, active listening, presence, situational awareness, self awareness, and empathy/compassion. These are all the greatest hits of a solid emotional intelligence toolkit.

What I hear much less about is the concept of self love and I think this is a real miss. Unfortunately, we avoid talking about self love because it’s a deeply personal subject and carries with it a stigma. A label that self love is too fuzzy and squishy. A label that you’re somehow showing weakness if you discuss self love. In my opinion, we need to elevate discussions of self love because respecting and loving oneself is the foundation upon which all other relationships rest.

If I’m constantly at odds with myself, bully myself, and am my own worst critic, how can I possibly give my best to myriad relationships I’m trying to foster? The dark clouds of self doubt and internal criticism will color all my interactions with the outside world. Speaking from experience, it’s exhausting to engage with other humans if I’m at war internally. To strap on an emotional suit of armor in an attempt to give the impression that I’ve got it all figured out and am in perfect balance is a game that we all ultimately lose—in many cases with disastrous consequences.

In my own case, my journey of self love started with acceptance that I am a flawed individual. That I will make mistakes. That I am not perfect and can’t possibly live up to the expectations that society places on all of us. Unfortunately society makes this very difficult as we’re bombarded with images of perfection and glimpses into the lives of outsized personalities with beautifully toned bodies and millions of followers. “Do x and you’ll be just like me!” Not. At exactly the same time, we’re led to believe that therapy and working on our internal circuitry is for the weak and fragile. Again, no.

My journey of self love really took hold when I adopted the phrase “grace | dignity | compassion” as words to live by to guide both external and internal interactions.

So to make progress on your own balancing act between the application of technical skill—the portfolio of things I know how to do—and human skill—how I behave and interact with colleagues, friends, and family, my recommendation is to work on yourself first. A sense of inner peace, acceptance, and love is indeed the foundation upon which all other skills are built—especially those of self-awareness, vulnerability, and authenticity. If this foundation is weak, then investments in all things external will not yield their full potential.

Want to be known as a genuine, authentic, emotionally-intelligent leader? Build love for thyself first.

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PS: Want to learn a bit more about how the brain works and how bias can get established within our conscious and sub-conscious minds, tune into PBS’s NOVA for their two-part series “Your Brain.”