Reducing Emotional Waste and Insecurity

In this forum, I like tackling topics that don’t get a lot of airplay and this week’s Muse is no exception. Today, we’re going to continue our discussion on emotional waste and unpack the subject of insecurity - specifically as it relates to personal fears and self-doubt. 

This topic doesn’t get the attention it deserves, because in my opinion, we spend most of our time and energy stuffing our insecurities into tiny boxes that no one can see - boxes that we rarely take out of storage and examine with clear eyes. Instead, we work to cover up our insecurities with swagger and window dressing, leaving this key cause of our anxieties to fester and stew until they come out to play in unproductive ways.

For touchy subjects like this, I typically try to focus primarily on their application in a business setting. However, it’s impossible to separate insecurities in our personal lives from those related to our business selves. Insecurity and self-doubt fluidly and frequently make the transit between work and home, so trying to separate the two is futile.

The sources of insecurity abound. Jealousy, unresolved failure, challenging relationships, lack of skill/education, poor planning, bullying, institutionalized bias, and the absence of a sense of belonging are but a few. To punch the point regarding the fluid nature of insecurity, just spend a little time with the preceding list and explore how easy it is to find examples where these issues apply both at home and at the office.

Alleviating Insecurities

So if the sources of insecurity are everywhere, what’s the solution? I believe the drivers to turn insecurity into confidence fit into three main categories: education; mentorship and coaching; and self-care.

Education: There is nothing that builds confidence like education - especially experiential learning. An education is a proven source of financial security and the adoption of a lifelong learning mindset is a big step toward maintaining workplace relevance throughout one’s working life. Alternatively, a calcified, fixed mindset and the adoption of the belief system that we’re somehow “done” learning after a certain age leads to unproductive and, in my opinion, unnecessary insecurities. 

Throughout my career, I’ve seen these unproductive insecurities take the form of jealousy, obfuscation, bullying, and blame as fixed-mindset team members try to deflect focus from their own shortcomings onto other teams or individuals. The emotional waste that’s generated by these behaviors seeps into the culture of the organization, negatively impacting morale and productivity.

The solution? Irrespective of your company’s industry classification, make it crystal clear through both words and actions that education and learning are central to your business’s strategic plan and are deeply ingrained in your ways of working. This messaging must be driven from the CEO’s desk - it cannot be delegated to the head of learning and development or human resources. If senior leadership doesn’t “walk the talk,” then learning will not become a priority.

Mentorship and Coaching: Think back to your own experience - how many times in your life did an insecurity become more manageable or even melt away once you brought it into the light of day in a psychologically safe environment by engaging with a trusted coach or mentor? 

In my experience, the best way to alleviate insecurity is through the development of a key workplace skill: the willingness and ability to engage in frank and fearless conversations. For many of us, constructive conflict is not a natural state and being able to engage in it is a learned skill. Constructive conflict takes practice and one of the best places to practice is with a coach or mentor.

The solution? Make coaching and mentorship a priority in your organization. This can be done using a blend of internal and external resources. First, make coaching an explicit component of your average manager’s job description and provide them the tools and training to build their skill as coaches. Unfortunately, many managers don’t consider mentorship and coaching as part of their role - falling back instead on a directive, “over the shoulder” management style. 

Second, make time and space for coaching in the normal flow of business activity. If coaching is uncommon or infrequent, it won’t become woven into the culture. 

Finally, make external coaching available (with equity) to team members across the organization. There will be cases where a team member will not be able to fully open up to his/her manager and need an objective third-party to talk to. In other words, internal coach/managers may not provide a necessary level of psychological safety for true discovery to occur. Fortunately, coaching is not nearly as expensive, organizationally intrusive, or elitist as it once was. 

Self Care and Self Love: Whenever I’m on an airplane and hear the preflight safety announcements, I’m reminded of the importance of self love and self care. The phrase “put on your own oxygen mask before assisting others” translates to: “it’s really hard to give your best to others if you’re not taking care of yourself.”

How does this relate to managing our insecurities? If we’re not actively engaged in a personal continuous improvement journey and are not committed to loving and understanding ourselves, it’s easy to focus our attention on trying to “fix” the perceived inadequacies of others in our orbit. Our personal baggage then smolders unattended and sparks fires at the least opportune times.

The solution? A big part of any self-care journey is setting appropriate expectations for yourself so that insecurities are minimized. Grow your network, learn new skills, and surround yourself with positive influences. Recognize that you are not an island and are not alone. Invest in strengthening your mind and body. 

Here’s where you can turn vulnerability into a superpower. Let others in and let them know how you’re feeling without tipping over into the “oversharing” category. Let your people know that you are not all-powerful and that you need their help for the team to succeed. If you can constructively show your team that you also have insecurities, you can teach them how to effectively deal with their own. Lead by example.

Conclusion

I’m currently living through a significant life event that has the potential to allow insecurity to thrive - my first retirement. How am I working through this life change without allowing myself to succumb to the traps of insecurity? I’m talking to my mentor, pushing myself to learn new skills, and taking additional steps on my personal continuous improvement journey. I’m not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but this formula has helped me minimize emotional waste generated by unnecessary insecurities in the past.

Finally, don’t be afraid of investing in professional help. We need to collectively remove the stigma associated with seeking counsel to help deal with our inner demons and insecurities. Unnecessary emotional waste carries a real cost - our families and business associates deserve our best selves.